Thursday, May 02, 2002
FREE THE JUICE
I love Orange Juice, but I hate drinking it because I invariably forget to shake the container until after I've opened it. And no matter tightly you hold it closed, when you shake it, it's still going to spill out all over your fingers.
I RARELY WRITE TOPICAL JOKES
But I found an old notebook with a topical joke I wrote on the Staten Island Ferry, on my way to a show. It was a couple of years ago, when the Fresh Kills landfill in Staten Island had just closed, and Hillary Clinton had just been elected Senator. It was totally written to pander to the Staten Island crowd's A) relief at the closing of Fresh Kills and B) conservative political views. It got groans:
Fresh Kills is closing down after fifty years. Luckily New York State has already found a new place to dump its garbage: the Senate.
Genius!
BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE
Have you ever dressed up in a long black cloak, a Richard Nixon mask, and a jester's cap and gone out on the streets and hit someone over the head with a large salami?
Because I'm looking for that guy, and if I ever catch him, it's curtains!
SELECTIONS FROM "THE NOT FUN-E CHUCKLEBUSTERS' JOKE BOOK"
JOE: What do you call a dog with no legs?
JIM: I'm not helping you cover up for the ASPCA again!
"Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
"Son, I think you have a sugar-addiction problem. The last thing I should do is enable you by allowing you to consume more sugar."
"Yo' mama's so fat, she uses a refrigerator as a beeper."
"That isn't my mom. My mom is on a top-secret mission for the CIA. That's just a woman who was hired to pose as my mom until she comes back home."
There once was a man from the Gulag,
Who joined the Army 'cause his life was a drag.
They sent him to 'Nam,
And then on to Guam,
Then they sent him back home in a bag.
Teacher was instructing the class on American History, and she asked, "Who can tell me who made the famous midnight ride shouting, 'The British are coming, the British are coming!'?"
She was apprehensive when she saw Dirty Johnny raise his hand. Dirty Johnny was called "Dirty Johnny" partly because he said something dirty whenever called on, but mostly because he came to school in the same clothes every day and rarely, if ever bathed.
Of course, the kids dubbed him "Dirty Johnny," but since many of his teachers were institutionalized drones, they, too, picked up on the nickname, and the sad part was that he had become so used to the name that when he did bother to hand in an assignment, he would often sign it "Dirty Johnny."
Of course, it wasn't his fault. His parents were neglectful at best, but often abusive. His father worked at a processing plant, and the rare occasions that he came home sober were marked by furious rows with Dirty Johnny's stepmother, who often accused him of cheating on her.
She had good reason to be suspicious; she had started dating Dirty Johnny's father when he was still married to his first wife, Lucille, who went on to marry a podiatrist. Sadly, she wanted nothing to do with her son, as he reminded her of her past, and so she let Dirty Johnny's father keep custody. All Dirty Johnny ever saw of his mother was her annual Christmas card, when she would send a picture of herself and her new family, along with a check for a hundred dollars, which Dirty Johnny's father would take.
Teacher wasn't going to call on Dirty Johnny, but then she remembered the long talk the faculty had had with the school pychologist about including all the children in the day's activities, and so she sighed and said, "Yes, Dirty Johnny?"
Dirty Johnny replied, "Fuck you, you old bitch!" He then threw his text book out the window and ran from the class. Teacher wasn't too surprised - or disappointed; at least the smell would lift.
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I love Orange Juice, but I hate drinking it because I invariably forget to shake the container until after I've opened it. And no matter tightly you hold it closed, when you shake it, it's still going to spill out all over your fingers.
I RARELY WRITE TOPICAL JOKES
But I found an old notebook with a topical joke I wrote on the Staten Island Ferry, on my way to a show. It was a couple of years ago, when the Fresh Kills landfill in Staten Island had just closed, and Hillary Clinton had just been elected Senator. It was totally written to pander to the Staten Island crowd's A) relief at the closing of Fresh Kills and B) conservative political views. It got groans:
Fresh Kills is closing down after fifty years. Luckily New York State has already found a new place to dump its garbage: the Senate.
Genius!
BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE
Have you ever dressed up in a long black cloak, a Richard Nixon mask, and a jester's cap and gone out on the streets and hit someone over the head with a large salami?
Because I'm looking for that guy, and if I ever catch him, it's curtains!
SELECTIONS FROM "THE NOT FUN-E CHUCKLEBUSTERS' JOKE BOOK"
JOE: What do you call a dog with no legs?
JIM: I'm not helping you cover up for the ASPCA again!
"Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
"Son, I think you have a sugar-addiction problem. The last thing I should do is enable you by allowing you to consume more sugar."
"Yo' mama's so fat, she uses a refrigerator as a beeper."
"That isn't my mom. My mom is on a top-secret mission for the CIA. That's just a woman who was hired to pose as my mom until she comes back home."
There once was a man from the Gulag,
Who joined the Army 'cause his life was a drag.
They sent him to 'Nam,
And then on to Guam,
Then they sent him back home in a bag.
Teacher was instructing the class on American History, and she asked, "Who can tell me who made the famous midnight ride shouting, 'The British are coming, the British are coming!'?"
She was apprehensive when she saw Dirty Johnny raise his hand. Dirty Johnny was called "Dirty Johnny" partly because he said something dirty whenever called on, but mostly because he came to school in the same clothes every day and rarely, if ever bathed.
Of course, the kids dubbed him "Dirty Johnny," but since many of his teachers were institutionalized drones, they, too, picked up on the nickname, and the sad part was that he had become so used to the name that when he did bother to hand in an assignment, he would often sign it "Dirty Johnny."
Of course, it wasn't his fault. His parents were neglectful at best, but often abusive. His father worked at a processing plant, and the rare occasions that he came home sober were marked by furious rows with Dirty Johnny's stepmother, who often accused him of cheating on her.
She had good reason to be suspicious; she had started dating Dirty Johnny's father when he was still married to his first wife, Lucille, who went on to marry a podiatrist. Sadly, she wanted nothing to do with her son, as he reminded her of her past, and so she let Dirty Johnny's father keep custody. All Dirty Johnny ever saw of his mother was her annual Christmas card, when she would send a picture of herself and her new family, along with a check for a hundred dollars, which Dirty Johnny's father would take.
Teacher wasn't going to call on Dirty Johnny, but then she remembered the long talk the faculty had had with the school pychologist about including all the children in the day's activities, and so she sighed and said, "Yes, Dirty Johnny?"
Dirty Johnny replied, "Fuck you, you old bitch!" He then threw his text book out the window and ran from the class. Teacher wasn't too surprised - or disappointed; at least the smell would lift.
