THE CULT :45 HOLIDAY SURVIVAL GUIDE
The holidays are a time for the warm family feeling and spirit you can only find in the TV movie you'll be watching, wondering what planet the characters are from, because clearly - with their happy banter, close family ties, and happiness to be together - they do not come from Earth. They're probably from the Pod People Planet.

I think that if you're on this list, you can admit it to yourself; the holidays are a time to see all the people in your life you wouldn't spend ten seconds with if you weren't bound by equal measures guilt and love. It's with these family reunions in mind that I provide a brief guide of the things you will need to survive the holidays:

1) ALCOHOL - But drink responsibly! At first. After Uncle Ned's second autobiographical surgery story, though, feel free to drink irresponsibly.

2) ALCOHOL - Do you think Dad really likes football and beer? Football is a sport where the players move slightly slower than glaciers, and beer tastes like urine. But give him eighteen straight hours of football and a couple six-packs of beer, and he'll forget what family he married into.

3) ALCOHOL - You may be noting a slight trend here. Why not make your holiday an alcoholiday?

4) MORE FOOD THAN A HUMAN BEING SHOULD INGEST - Then drink too much.
*********************************************

CULT :45 - THE LAST SCHMALTZ
Yes, it's the last show of the run. Thanks to everyone who came out to see the show so far.

And what a special show we have for you this Sunday! The opening acts:
* Folk-rock duo A Brief View of the Hudson - these guys are really great. Their album "drops" in February.
* Late Night with Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley. He's also really great. I don't know when his album "drops."

Liam McEneaney
"CULT :45"
Sundays @ 6:00pm
FREE

At:
PARKSIDE LOUNGE
317 Houston St. @ Attorney
F train to 2nd Ave.

Sunday, November 2nd
Opening act: Florence Yoo
Florence is great; she plays all over all over, and she was on PBS a week ago. PBS is television! Not too shabby!

Cult comedian Liam McEneaney has appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and "Comic Remix" and ComedyCentral.com's "Spotlight."

"His 45 minutes seemed like 10. He's a f**king funny man. Liam gives good show, kids...Pints are $3. I can't think of one reason not to go. So go."
- ToxicPop
"Worship him...recognize his genius...buy him drinks..."
- Spy
One of "ten stand-out stand-ups worth watching."
- BackStage

I'M JUST TOO DANG SMART
Last week, I did a show and the MC brought me up by warning the audience that I'm "very cerebral" and my jokes might go "over your heads."

Then a friend of my mom's saw me on Comedy Central and e-mailed her, saying I was very funny, but that America probably won't get me.

So I took a look at my set list, and I'll be damned! It is a little too intellectual:

LIAM'S SET LIST
* The Inner Life of a College Professor

* Great Greek Philosophers took it in the ass

* Did the Editors of the Encyclopedia Britannica have to jerk off while writing the "Sex" chapter?

* "Come on Eileen"? I'll say I will!

* E=MC Square IN MY PANTS!!!!

* Dick & Jane & Ted & Alice

* The Doctor In Spite of Touching Himself - Moliere or Moliestere?

* Baby Got Bach - Classical Music Meets Hip-Hop




HERE'S AN OLD JOKE I'M GOING TO TRY DOING AGAIN
Although audiences may hate it

I like Black History Month, I do. I just don't always get the things that get played on TV during Black History Month.

I was watching TV last February, and there was this montage of great scenes from the Civil Rights Movement.

And the voice-over said:
"Forty years ago, we began our struggle in this country to live where we want to live, to be treated as equals, to eat where we want to eat. And now, forty years later...DID SOMEBODY SAY McDONALDS?"
McDonald's, Food Folks and Fundamental Rights of Man."
McDonald's, treating you like a human being...since the Supreme Court forced us to."

THANKSGIVING IS A HATE CRIME!
At least the way my family celebrates it is.

TRAGIC: THE GATHERING
Someone asked if I wanted to join a Magic: The Gathering Tournament, but I had to turn him down because, unfortunately, I've experienced the sweet embrace of a woman.

Magic: The Gathering is like Go Fish for people who have a casual attitude towards bathing.

Someone who invited you to play isn't a "friend," they're just recruiters. They will never reproduce, so they do the next best thing and mold you into their image.

why i did a double-take when i saw you
- a poem

and in your eye
the architecture of the grand
and glorious infinite
spinning further
into the ever-spiralling
structure of the universe
into the dark sea of space
into a bubble of black in a bland
and placid pool of brown

A LOVE SONG
I was sitting alone at the bar
When I caught you
Lookin' at me.
So I got up the courage to ask
If you'd mind if
I buy you a drink.
I spent all the money I made
Workin at the
Video store.
That night you kissed me 'neath
The red light of
The neon sign

(CHORUS)
Couldn't you tell me that you love me?
Couldn't you tell me that you don't mind
What I am saying.
Couldn't you tell me that you love me?
Couldn't you tell me that it's all right
When I am near you.

I went to the corner store
And bought you a
Dozen red roses.
The wind ripped the petals off
But you still cried
And kept the long stems.
I bought you a golden box,
Inside was a
Heart-shaped necklace
You made into a silver ring,
You said, "No heart
Should be kept on a chain."

(CHORUS)

And when I catch you lookin' at me,
It's still like an electric shock running up my spine.
And my heart starts turning faster
Like a silver top spinning round and round in golden sunshine.

I journeyed through the desert 'till
I found the Sphinx
Who asked me a riddle.
"Why's a raven like a writing desk?"
I replied, "'Cause
Poe wrote on both."
He showed me his chamber it had
Gold and rubies
Treasure beyond counting.
I asked if he could give me your love
And I left him
Empty-handed.

(CHORUS)

MP3'S COMPANY

This is a wav file of my roommate's friend shit-faced, leaving her a message.

YOUR OWN BOOK-PLATE
Simply print this page out, paste it into the front of your book, fill it in, and the world will know who owns it:

THIS BOOK BELONGS TO: _________________
AND NOT TO: _______________
AND DEFINITELY NOT TO: _________________
SO IF YOU SEE ______________ WITH THIS BOOK IN HIS HAND, TELL HIM TO GIVE IT BACK.

ALSO, DON'T LET __________________ READ IT, BECAUSE OF WHAT HE SAID TO ______________ AT THANKSGIVING LAST YEAR. WE'RE NOT TALKING TO ______________ OR __________________ OR EVEN _________________ UNTIL WE GET AN APOLOGY.

ALSO, I HEARD A RUMOR THAT _____________ IS GAY AND LIVING IN NEW YORK TO BE A BROADWAY STAR, ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE IT BECAUSE _____________ SAID THAT HE LEFT TOWN BECAUSE HE GOT _______________ PREGNANT AND HAD TO PAY FOR HER ABORTION, AND OF COURSE ______________________ WAS UPSET AND SO HE AND _____________ AND __________________ GOT DRUNK ONE NIGHT AND TRIED TO BURN ________________'S CAR UP.

JUST FOR INFORMATIONS' SAKE
I find a lot of cool stuff from Niel's Blog. He sits around and finds things like blog polls (below).

SCENE FROM A BAD DATE:
HER: What's your favorite band?
ME: Oh, that would be Bob Dylan.
HER: I don't like Bob Dylan, I can't get past his voice.
ME: Oh really. Who's your favorite?
HER: Ryan Adams.
ME: Ryan Adams?
HER: Yeah, I'm really into lyrics and he writes great lyrics.
ME:???!!!!

ONLY 2 SHOWS LEFT

Liam McEneaney
"CULT :45"
Sundays @ 6:00pm
FREE

At:
PARKSIDE LOUNGE
317 Houston St. @ Attorney
F train to 2nd Ave.

Sunday, November 2nd
Opening act: Florence Yoo
Florence is great; she plays all over all over, and she was on PBS a week ago. PBS is television! Not too shabby!

Cult comedian Liam McEneaney has appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and "Comic Remix" and ComedyCentral.com's "Spotlight."

"His 45 minutes seemed like 10. He's a f**king funny man. Liam gives good show, kids...Pints are $3. I can't think of one reason not to go. So go."
- ToxicPop

"Worship him...recognize his genius...buy him drinks..."
- Spy

One of "ten stand-out stand-ups worth watching."
- BackStage

YESTERDAY'S ADVENTURE

I had an important interview in the 40s, so on the subway I check my reflection in the window and remember that I hadn't shaved in the last five days. I looked like a hobo heading for the freight-yard to ride the rails.

At 42nd street I stop into Dwayne Reade and get shaving cream and a razor - both generic, 'cause I kick it like that, dawg.

I decide to shave in the NY Public library's men's room. I've seen homeless people bathing in the sink there, so I figure that I can't look any odder.

First I have to wait for the bathroom to clear out, which doesn't look too odd, a grown man with his pocket bulging (I had to stuff the shaving apparatus into my pocket or else security might have looked at me twice), waiting by the sink doing nothing.

As I'm lathering my face, I realize that if someone walked in, this would look very seedy and there's a good chance I may get arrested for vagrancy, so I stuff the razors into my pocket, grab the shaving cream, and run into one of the stalls.

Now I've got to get the razors out, and I realize that they're in my left-hand pocket. My left hand is completely covered in shaving cream. So I reach around with my right hand and get a razor out.
Then I begin to shave.

After I go for my left and right cheek, I look at the razor and see the blade completely coated in blood. I put my hand to my left cheek and remove it - there's a crescent of blood on the heel of my palm.

So I put a whole lot of toilet paper on my face.

Meanwhile, a guy gets into the stall next to mine and creates an awesome smell. Awesome in the sense of "overpowering" and "unbelievable."

I'm standing in a stall in the men's room of the main branch of the New York Public Library, bleeding and quietly gagging and dropping razor blades, and suddenly I understand the exact definition of the phrase "downward spiral."

Now I have to finish shaving my face, avoiding all the places that felt cut.

One particular gouge on my chin refuses to stop bleeding. When I think there's no one out there, I risk running to the sink to check myself in the mirror. There's a guy at the urinal who does a double-take. When I see myself in the mirror - face covered in tiny cuts, little hairs, and reddish shaving cream - I understand. In fact, I quietlly applaud him for not calling the cops.

The cut on my chin refuses to stop bleeding, so I end up standing in the handicapped stall for about forty minutes (lucky I had arrived super-early) reading a Wodehouse book and waiting for the flow of blood to turn into a trickle.
It hadn't completely stopped by the time of my interview.

MEN ARE FROM MARS...
Women are from my anus

Let's translate a "conversation talk" between a man and a woman -

WOMAN: I need to talk to you.
"You might want a beer"

MAN: Sure.
"This isn't going to take long, is it?"

WOMAN: I want to talk about our relationship.
"Forget the beer, have some Scotch. Make it a double."

MAN: Great.
"Too bad I have to dump you now."

WOMAN: I just need to know where we're going with this.
"My friends want to know where we're going with this."

MAN: Well, I don't really feel like i want to be in a committed relationship right now.
"I am dating another woman."

WOMAN: Me neither.
"I am going to be surprised when I find out you're dating another woman."

MAN: But I'm really having a good time with you.
"We are breaking up in three weeks."

WOMAN: Me too.
"Wait, what does you mean by 'good time?' Do you see me as just some kind of sex object you could never be serious about?"

MAN: I'm really glad we met.
"Yes."

WOMAN: I'm glad we had this talk.
"I hated this talk."

MAN: Yeah.
"She does have nice boobies, though."

WOMAN: We'd better get going.
"You'd best be prepared to pay for dinner, bub."

ONE OF THE BEST COMEDIANS TODAY
Patton Oswalt. Every time I watch him, I'm reminded how much harder I have to work at this.

New Sex Advice Column
ASK YOUR GRANDMOTHER


Your Grandmother

DEAR GRANDMOTHER:
I'm going out with this guy, and he wants me to - uh - do this thing where - uh - he, you know. And, um -

Uh, forget it.
- Granddaughter in San Francisco

Dear Granddaughter,
My lands, I have no idea what you're trying to say. Have you forgotten your question? That happens to the best of us. Are you the one dating that young man Bill. because mark my words he'll never amount to any good. He reminds me of this hobo who once stole a pie from my windowsill as it was cooling. I hope he isn't trying to pressure you into anything you don't want to do like anal sex.

What? What did I say?

Your grandmother is syndicated in newspapers all over the country until the complaints pour in.

MAMMA MIA!
I like talking to my mom, because whenever I do, I end up sounding like a Man From The Future:

MY MOM: I don't know if I can wait to get my film developed.
ME: They have one-hour photo developing now.
MY MOM: Oh my God, are you serious?
ME: Yes. And also, you don't have to take covered wagons west any more. There are big silver birds and people ride in their bellies. Plus, the wireless telegraph will make the Pony Express a thing of the past.

I'm like, "I come from a planet so advanced we can program your VCRs. Bow to me as your king, Puny Earthling!"

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR GOVERNMENT


"I got the one on the left."

THIS IS REALLY NEAT
A pictorial review of the Hubble's mission.

AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL INTERLUDE
People wonder where I get my sense of humour.

My uncle Seamus was a circus clown. He didn't make a lot of money, but he loved what he did.

He didn't like taking the circus train, so he drove everywhere in his beat-up 1967 Volkswagen Beetle. He would often give his buddies from the circus a lift, and they would drive from town to town just talking and laughing.

On his way from one gig to another, he was driving alongside the train, teasing the elephants, when suddenly the train derailed and landed on the car.

Rescue workers sifted through the wreckage and found the remains of the car at the bottom. They pulled out one clown body. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then still another. After 38 clowns, they found my Uncle Seamus.

I remember the funeral vivdly. At the funeral home, my Aunt Patrice got squirted in the eye from all the bouquets.

My uncle didn't have a regular casket. His casket had a little silver handle o nthe side, and when you turned it, it played "Pop Goes the Weasal," and his body sprang out.

NO TIME TO REALLY GET INTO THIS
But here's Margaret Cho's blog.

You'll notice that she publicly declares that she "doesn't give a fuck" about dieting.

You'll also notice that half her jokes are about how disgusted she is with her weight.

(Thanks to Kyria for finding this.)

TIME MAGAZINE DELETES BUSH SR.'S "REASONS NOT TO INVADE IRAQ"

Time deleted the essay from their website, but the Memory Hole's got it here.

JOIN THE CULT

Liam McEneaney
"CULT :45"
Sundays @ 6:00pm
FREE

At:
PARKSIDE LOUNGE
317 Houston St. @ Attorney
F train to 2nd Ave.

Sunday, November 9th
Opening act: Ivan The Horrible

"His 45 minutes seemed like 10. He's a fucking funny man. Liam gives good show, kids. And it's FREE. Every Sunday at 6 at the Parkside Lounge (Attorney and Houston). Pints are $3. I can't think of one reason not to go. So go."
- ToxicPop

"A Stand-Out Stand-Up Worth Watching."
- BackStage

"worship him...recognize his genius...buy him drinks..."
- Spy

"45 minutes of comedy."
- Time Out NY

PEOPLE THOUGHT THE CONAN THING WAS NEAT
So let me tell you all about it.

I got there at 2:30. After about twenty minutes, I'm given my costume: a backless patient gown and a bathrobe. I put on the gown and bathrobe, and now I'm puttering around the studio corridor in a bathrobe. I looked like crazy Vincent "the Chin" Gigante.

I got to watch Ron Isley walk in - a tall dude in a bright red jacket. I guess his wife was with him; she was wearing a bright red dress made out of the same fabric, with these incredible red shoes that had sparkly gold bows on them. I think I creeped her out because I couldn't stop staring at her feet.

The sketch has me as a heart patient being operated on by several fifteen year-old girls. It's very funny, of course.

So we get into the little studio where we're taping the sketch and I find out I have to take my shirt off.

Now, I am not proud of my body. I know a lot of my readers haven't actually met me in person, so trust me - I am a tad out of shape. And I am a bit hairier than you might expect. Let's just say that I tend to rely on my personality when trying to woo women (and believe me, I'm screwed in that respect as well).

So I'm lying half-naked on my back while three fifteen year-old girls in scrubs stand over me. (No, that's not as hot as it sounds.) Another stands off-stage, waiting to run in for her cue.

These kid actresses are funny. I watched a couple rehearsing out in the corridor, and you had that classic stage mother almost literally breathing in her daughter's ear over her shoulder, living out some sad fantasy through her daughter.

Back on the operating table: I decided to break the tension while waiting for the crew to set up, even though in retrospect I realize that I was probably the only tense one there.

I asked if they studied acting, and two of the girls backed away like a toilet had just come to life. The third one was all professional, though. It was really funny. She was like, "My name is Brie." (YES - her name was Brie.) "And I study at - no, you pervs, Im not telling you where."

Then we're into the scene. At one point, my character that I'm immersed in is hemorrhaging, blood spraying everywhere (including my hair and eyes - I felt like I was in a porn). The writer is trying to get the girls to think of things they would say if faced with something gross.

The girl waiting off-camera says, "It wouldn't be so bad if he was a hot guy!"

At what point in my life do I get to stop getting rejected by fifteen year-old girls? I mean, I'm out of high school, leave me alone.

Soon we're done and I go. I try to go back into the dressing room to change back, but I don't notice that - since the show started taping - someone put a sign on the door that read, "MARG HELGENBERGER."

That's right, I almost barged in on Helgenberger. I am a Helgenberger barger-at-large (if this blog was Seinfeld, that sentence would be on a t-shirt right now.)

Anyway, I actually had a lot of fun, so DO NOT WATCH CONAN UNTIL I'M SURE THE SKETCH HAS AIRED. Please, for your sake, you will end up ripping out your eyes in disgust at my naked exposed flesh.

Toodles!

IF ALL GOES WELL
I should be in a sketch tonight on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, as a surgery patient.

That's right, I'll be hanging backstage with Brendan Fraser, Marg Helgenberger, Ron Isley and Burt Bacharach. You heard me - MARG HELGENBERGER.

Watch the show and don't blink and you might catch me.

MORE ON MY RELIGIOUS LIFE
My mom is Jewish, my dad Irish Catholic. I was raised Buddhist.

And when I was thirteen, I became a practicing Onanist.

By the age of fifteen, I'd practiced so much that I was ready to go pro.

*

I don't really deal well with super-religious people. Jews for Jesus came to my door, and I felt kind of bad because I didn't have any Jews to give him.

*

I saw a preacher on TV talking about how the AntiChrist is coming ,and when he comes ye shall know him by the Mark of the Beast on his hand.
I guess it's handy he has the Mark fo the Beast on his hand - that way he can leave Hell and be able to get back in without paying the admission twice.

JEW LIKE ME?
My mom's family is Jewish, and I don't understand antisemitism. Particularly, I don't understand all the stereotypes people have about Jews.
Like, "The Jews control the media," or "The Jews have all themoney."

Believe me, if the Jews controlled the media and had ll the money, I'd be a lot better off.

I think that if you want to be antisemitic, you should be forced to live with my family for a year. Then you'd have accurate stereotypes, like:
"The Jews only express love through shouting,"
Or: "The Jews eat too much bready foods."
Or: "The Jews keep pressuring me to give them grandkids."

VISIT SHITE.COM
So rarely does a name say it all.

TWO'S COMPANY, THREE'S A COUPLE GRAND EXTRA
You know you've made it in show business when you're in LA having a threesome.
And you're not being paid.

I don't like to fantasize about being in a threesome, because even in my fantasies the women don't really want to be there.

In my fantasy, it's always me and two women who are so coked-up they don't even know what I look like.

That's right, I don't want to be a woman's best. I want to be her bottoming-out story.
I want to be the story that gets her a hug from her support group.

CLICK ON THIS LINK
to make my blog more popular than ever.


AND BY THE WAY
Yes I do make the occasional spelling and grammar error.

I do this on purpose to let my fans know that I'm only human.

Except for the part of me that's cyborg sent back from the future to save mankind.

FROM THE WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT
Arnold Schwarzenegger's going to be the Governor of California. That means that by 2050 it'll be my turn.

The people of California haven't made such a terrible and baffling choice since... the last time the people of California did anything.

He's now an American statesmen, with literally millions of people hanging on his every word, and also literally hundreds of people understanding them.



Britney Spears is allegedly dating 37 year-old actor John Cusack. Apparently she developed a taste for older men when she made out with Madonna at the VMAs.

She has a new album out. I almost bought it, but then I thought, "Why not take the money I'm going to spend on this... and wipe my ass with it? That way I'll still have it to spend later."

STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
I was at home and there was a knock on my door. It was a woman with papers in her hand, asking if I was interested in learning more about Time Warner Cable.

I took a brochure and asked if I could not get visited again.

LADY: You're not interested in cable?

ME: No, and I was wondering if you could make sure I don't get visited at my home again.

LADY: I can't promise you that.

ME: Okay (I start closing the door)

LADY: I can't control everything that goes on, sir. I'm not God.

ME: Excuse me?

LADY: I can't control everything.

ME: What are you getting angry for?

LADY: I'm just saying -

ME: You're being very rude right now and all I did was ask that you not visit me again.

The Lady took her papers back. I guess I'm not allowed to have cable.

NOT MUCH TIME TODAY
So here's a Golden Moldy:

HEY KIDS!
HERE'S AN AWESOME PRACTICAL JOKE THAT IS TOTALLY TUBULAR!
You will need:
1 fishing pole
1 large tropical fish

Wait until Mommy is in her room. Attach the fish to the line. Then take the fish on the line into the bathroom and flush it down the toilet.
Then call out, "Mommy! Mommy! Look what I've caught!" As she runs into the bathroom, reel the fish back up, turn around, show it to her proudly and say, "There's good eatin' on them things!"


WHAT I HEARD RIDING ON THE F TRAIN, IN THE TUNNEL BETWEEN 23rd ST. (ELY AVE. IN QUEENS) AND LEXINGTON AVE.

(THE CONDUCTOR IS SPEAKING OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER, HE'S GOT A MIDDLE-AGED VOICE WITH A STRONG JAMAICAN ACCENT)

"On behalf of the train crew and myself, we would like to thank you for your ridership. We look forward to having you on our train again soon. We'd like to thank everyone, absolutely everyone.
We are in a tunnel between Queens and Manhattan, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. The time is now 10:51 am, January 4th, 1999."

I was so taken by this that I wrote it down immediately, and just found it in an old notebook.

JOIN THE CULT

Here's a review from ToxicPop, a free newsletter listing what goes on in NYC:

"I want to give a giant shout out to my boy Liam McEneaney, whose excellent 1-man show, Cult:45, I had the privilege of attending on Sunday night. Each week, Liam has guest art stars open his show (Brief View of the Hudson last week) and then does 45 minutes of his best material. I've watched Liam grow as a comic artist for the past seven years (he was like, 19 when I met him or something) and I gotta say.. his 45 minutes seemed like 10. He's a f**king funny man. Liam gives good show, kids. And it's FREE. Every Sunday at 6 at the Parkside Lounge (Attorney and Houston). Pints are $3. I can't think of one reason not to go. So go."

Come see the show Time Out NY calls "45 minutes of comedy":

Liam McEneaney
"CULT :45"
Sundays @ 6:00pm
FREE

At:
PARKSIDE LOUNGE
317 Houston St. @ Attorney
F train to 2nd Ave.

Sunday, November 9th
Opening act: Brer Brian
This guy is a member of the Guardian Angels vigilante force.
He's also a subway musician.
So he breaks the law on the subway, and then goes out and kicks ass to enforce it.
He also kicks ass onstage, so come check it out.

HALLOWEEN
Remember Trick or Treating? Some Halloweens would be awesome - I'd get Three Musketeers and Milky Ways.
And some Halloweens were lame, and I'd get nothing but pennies and button candy.

That's the way itr was for me last year.
Sop this year I decided to switch up my costume. So I went dressed as "Scary Homeless Guy with a Gun."
I got candies, money, cars, furniture, a side of beef.
It was awesome!

THIS IS A LOVE SONG ANYONE CAN SING!
If you have a "special someone," go ahead and serenade her.
I guarantee that you will get some sort of a reaction.

FOR YOU
For you, I would climb the mountain high, and
For you, I would jump into the sky, and
For you, I would even risk to die.
For you, for you, for you.

For you, I would eat unbuttered toast, and
For you, I would watch the movie Ghost and
For you, I would host a weenie roast.
For you, for you, for you.

For you, I would wrestle with the moon, and
For you, I would eat a silver spoon, and
For you, I would read the novel Dune.
For you, for you, for you.

For you, I would walk through a museum, and
For you, I wouldn't pester for a threesome -
Unless of course that's what you wanted, I want you to feel comfortable. What? With another guy? That's gay! Oops -
For you, for you, for you.

For you, I would not be such a slob, and
For you, I wouldn't steal or rob, and
For you I would even get a job.
For you, for you, for you.

For you, I'd go free Tommy Chong, and
For you, I'd mimic Long Duck Dong -
"NO MORE YANKEE MY WANKEE - THE DONGER NEED FOOD!" -
For you, I'd even end this song,
For you, for you, for yoooouuuuuuu.

TODAY IS "JUST PLAIN WRONG DAY"
There are a couple jokes that ain't right.

So if you're the kind of person who leaves a snarky comment about how some things aren't fit to joke about:
I know. I know.

NOVEMBER REIGN
It's November, which means my favorite holiday.
That's right, I'm talking about "Election Day."
It's the one day in the year when they have to let you within fifty yards of the elementary school, no matter what the so-called "Justice" system says.
It's my Halloween, because I put on a mask and give children candy.

CYBERSEX STORY
DISCLAIMER: This is a ninety-five percent true story. The other five percent is just stuff I reshaped a little bit to make punchlines.

I'm the kind of guy who goes looking for love in all the wrong places. And apparently all the wrong places are in AOL chat rooms.

If you're not signed on, "AOL" stands for "Agoraphobes or Losers," because that's who you'll find in these chat rooms.

When I was 17, I decided that I was going to try this cybersex everyone was raving about, because at the time I was over 400 pounds and figured, "Hey, maybe if a woman can look past my repulsive exterior, she can learn to reject me for my horrible personality."
So I went into the AOL chat room section.

Here's a tip if you're looking for a chat room; if it has the words "Role-Playing" in the room name, it is not about Dungeons & Dragons.
And if it has the word "Dungeon" in the name, don't go in saying you're a dwarf with a double-headed halberd. They will be impressed, but for the wrong reasons.

I found a chat room, went in, starting talking to a young lady. And I must say, I charmed the pants off of her. We had a lot in common - I told her that I was a 6'5 Olympic gymnast, and she told me that she was a woman.

We start IMing, and at one point she says to me, "I'm really into sub."
And I said, "What a coincidence, I had one for lunch."
"Really?"
"Yeah, six inches."
"Let's get a private room."

So we go into a private room, and the first thing she says to me is, "I want you to rape me."
Now, I'm not gay or nothin', but I ain't exactly the most experienced rapist in the world. In fact, the closes I've come is making women feel really uncomfortable at a parties. Getting very drunk and talking too close, that kind of thing.

So I said, "You know what, I'd better not, I've never really raped before and I don't think I'd be very good at it."
To which she replied, "Don't worry, I'll walk you through it."

Now, I don't know about you, but nothing ruins the effect of a rape for me more than my victim giving me step-by-step pointers.

But I'm like, what the hell, go ahead.

So she says, "All right, you're a mechanic working at a deserted gas station late at night. I pull in and tell you there's something wrong with my car. What do you do?"

"Well, let me look under the hood. Oh, your oil needs changing, here I'll have that fixed for ya in a sec..."

So she says, "No no no, hit me."
And I type, "Okay, I hit you."
"Hit me harder."

And I'm like, how can she tell that I'm such a pussy? How does that translate through my computer?"

So I say, "Okay, I hit you harder."

And she says, "Now - oh, I gotta go. You were great."

And she left. And I never heard from her again.

I wish I had a punch line for this, but real life doesn't give you punch lines people,m only knockouts.

Good night.
(FADE TO BLACK)

MY BLOG INCREASES IN VALUE!
Apparently, my blog is now part of a Fantasy Stock Market.
BUY NOW WHILE THE PRICE IS REASONABLE DON'T MAKE THE ISTAKE YOU MADE WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT BEN & JERRY'S STOCK!

I AM TOO HONEST
That's why I get fired from jobs.

Like, my lst job, my boss said, "What are you doing?"
And I said, "Calling a friend of mine."

So my boss said, "We don't pay you to make personal calls."

And I replied, "Yeah, but I'm throwing this in free of charge. No need to thank me, pal."

I PARTICIPATE IN FANTASY SPORTS
Because a fantasy sports league cuts through the boring parts of sports and goes right to the core:

It gets rid of all the tedious excitement and energy and fun and leaves you with the best part: statistics.

Whenever I watch baseball, I always think, "Man, those numbers sure are good tonight!"

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
Someone made a CYOA for NYC.

(Thanks Thomas)

I MAKE THE PRESS AGAIN!
Thanks to Julie for pointing this out:

Hey--I'm sure someone has already brought this to your attention, but the ad you posted on Craig's List got picked up by TimeOut as a part of their Halloween issue. It's in a column titled: "Crassified Ads" in the article called "Creepy New York". It's on page 17.

If it ever gets posted online, I'll put up a link.