The Liam McEneaney Experience

The math problems that were about how Jim was leaving Cleveland at 11:00pm on a train going 33 mph with three dollars in his pocket, and Jack is taking a 7:30 hovercraft to England with a chicken, a fox, and a farmer - and then the question is always something like, who will get arrested for vagrancy first?

I was so bad at math that whenever I solved these problems, I always felt like a psychic.
Like, "How did you get the answer that Jim will reach Chicago at 7:30?"
"Oh, it just came to me in a dream. Do not question my gifts, but rather just learn from them."

* * * * *

Here's an honest-to-God word problem:

Three men go to stay at a motel, and the man at the desk charges them $30.00 for a room. They split the cost ten dollars each. Later the manager tells the desk man that he overcharged the men, that the actual cost should have been $25.00. The manager gives the bellboy $5.00 and tells him to give it to the men.
The bellboy, however, decides to cheat the men and pockets $2.00, giving each of the men only one dollar.

Now each man has paid $9.00 to stay in the room and 3 x $9.00 = $27.00. The bellboy has pocketed $2.00. $27.00 + $2.00 = $29.00 - so where is the missing $1.00?

Go ahead and do your work - the answer may surprise you.
Or you could just cheat and Google the answer. That's what I would do.

My Friendship auction was removed by eBay, for "violating" their "policies."

However, I will be selling my friendship in an online forum in the near future, so watch this space for updates.

* * * * *

Speaking of sad, I went drinking with my buddy the other night, and we both had a few beers, and it came time to pay the tab and whoops! he didn't have the money to cover it. He asked me to spot him.

So I said, "Sure, I'll pay for you, but be ready to make out with me."

He said, "What?"

And I said, "Look, more than one beer and this turns into a date, okay? I don't care if you're a dude, I'm drunk, lonely, and I'm not wasting my good money getting someone drunk withotu something in return."

And yeah, turned out he was able to find an ATM two minutes later. Magic!

I think it's great when a couple wants to spend a lazy Sunday morning on the couch, reading the paper, sitting in each others' laps, smooching, hugging.
But at Starbucks?

*****************

Sometimes I just want to grab people, smack them around, and say, "You're. Not. In. College. Any. More."

You don't need to scream when you hear your favorite song on the jukebox.
Every bar jukebox has Eric Clapton's "Layla" on it, it's not that exciting.
You picked the song, you put your dollar in to get it.

******************

I find it weird when someone says, "I'm going to the bathroom. Gotta take a leak."

Wow, mystery solved. When you said you had to go the the bathroom, I was like, "What's he doing in there? Is he grocery shopping? Planting a vegetable garden in a dirt patch? Perhaps he's skipping stones in a crick."

Here's an item I'm offering on eBay - my friendship.

Also:

My friend Chris Regan, who won four Emmies when he was a writer for The Daily Show, offers his take on history.

Funkadelic live, Cosmic Slop.

Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson

And I saw a couple - he with dyed platinum blond hair, and she with bright red hair.

And I said, "It must be weird when they go to the stylist to get their hair dyed together."

And my friend said, "Why is that weird?"

And I realized that what I was saying was, "Hey, it's so weird to see a couple that shares interests. And does things together. A couple that enjoys each other's company and has fun with each other, what's that all about?"

There's a culture war going on in this country - and culture is losing.

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I pay my electric bill by phone, and after I've entered my Social Security number, Con Ed makes me enter my zip code as verification.

First of all, if I had stolen someone's Social Security number, why would I be unable to also steal a zip code? Isn't that supposed to be the easy-to-find information.

Also, are there identity thieves out there stealing people's information to pay their bills for them? If there are, please have them e-mail me.

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And now, please enjoy the Japanese twins making out:

Actually, I decided to take it down after a few of my friends got really upset. I don't see it myself; it's so weird it's not even pornographic, but what the hell. I guess a few crybabies ruined it for everyone.

But if you do want to watch it, you can always click here and enjoy.

Sports talk radio has some of the most annoying callers you'll ever hear.

I think that they should be allowed to call, but only after taking a big dose of truth serum. Then the calls would sound like:
* "Hi, I just wanted to say that Isaiah Thomas is the worst thing to happen to the Knicks since I realized that I'm going to probably die a virgin."

* "Joe Torre's the best thing to happen to the Yankees since I pretty much stopped bathing, which is eleven years ago."

* "Hey, long-time listener, first-time caller, lifetime of loneliness."

*************

SPEAKING OF FANTASTIC SHOWS:

APRIL 17
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH
Christian Finnegan
has been seen on his own "Comedy Central Presents" half-hour special, he's your favorite commentator on VH1's "Best Week Ever," he was Chad The White Guy on Chappelle's Show's "Mad Real World Sketch," and much more.

Eugene Mirman
has been seen on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," is soon to be appearing on the "Comedians of Comedy" tour, and has released two albums - "The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman," "En Garde Society!" from Sub Pop Records, and has also released a comilation album called "Invite Them Up" on Comedy Central Records.

Liam McEneaney
is a writer for Standup Nation w/ Greg Giraldo, and has been seen on Best Week Ever and Premium Blend

Claudia Cogan
from Sirius Satellite radio's Raw Dog station, and the UCB Theatre

Josh Comers
who was a contributing writer for "The Late Late Show"

and from Canada:
Aubrey Tennant

AND OF COURSE, OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

The other night, I got off the subway after a really long day at work, 11:30 or so, and decided to get a couple of sandwich rolls at a corner bodega closest to the subway, so I could make a sandwich for dinner and an egg sandwich for breakfast.

Here's the conversation I had with the guy behind the counter:

ME: Hey, I'd like to buy a couple of rolls.

COUNTER GUY: I have no rolls.

ME: (indicating rolls in glass case) You don't have any rolls?

COUNTER GUY: No rolls.

ME: (indicating rolls in glass case) You don't have these rolls right here?

COUNTER GUY: I need those for sandwiches.

ME: You need them for sandwiches at 11:30 at night?

COUNTER GUY: We don't get another shipment until four in the morning.

ME: Wait, so what you're saying is that in the next four and a half hours, you're going to have such a huge sandwich rush that you can't spare two rolls.

Then he said something that just floored me:

COUNTER GUY: I can sell you hero rolls.

ME: Wait, so you're saying that the big 2am lunch rush is going to make a run on sandwiches, but not heros.

COUNTER GUY: More expensive.

ME: Then why would I want it?

COUNTER GUY: My friend, next shipment is at 4am. They're fresher, these rolls are stale.

ME: So I should go home, set my alarm for four in the morning, and then rush back here to buy fresh rolls for my dinner?

And I was going to say, "Hey, I can spend my money at any other store in this neigborhood," when I realize that acrtually, I could just go and spend my money at any other store in the neighborhood. Which is what I did.

At some point, I felt like i was being given a bread intervention by this guy:
"Sorry pal, but you can't have any more bread. We feel like you're hurting yourself. It's time to put the roll down and start eating rice cake sandwiches.

I dropped out of high school, got my GED. Took my GED test at a community college. It was like they were sending me a message: "Don't even think about going anywhere else. Go directly to failure - do no pass Go, do not collect more than $200 a week."

Some people look down on it, because it's a shortcut. Sometimes shortcuts can be good. Like, if a taxi driver knows a shortcut, shave a dollar off your ride, you tip him that dollar extra. You end up not saving a dollar, but you could have,

When I got my GED, someoen said, "Well you'll never get into Harvard without a high school diploma."
Yeah, well, I've got news for you - you can't get into Harvard without money, either. Also, if you're getting a GED, it's not like Harvard's really an option - it's not the big life choice you're blowing.

And the funny thing is, I took my GED classes, and it made me a little mad because it turns out I could have gotten a high school education in three weeks. God dammit! Turns out, all I needed to know was fractions, sentence structure, and how to get that really cute girl some weed.

I don't know if you've ever taken a GED class, but it might as well start off with, "My name is Liam and I'm an alcoholic." Because looking around at my fellow scholars, that's all they needed to prepare for in their future careers.

A GED diploma might as well come printed in a booklet from a Nickelback CD with a coupon for Miller High Life printed on the back attached to an application to work security at WalMart.

Or perhaps this might be funnier (I haven't decided):

My GED diploma came in the booklet of a Whitesnake CD with a Colt .45 coupon printed on the back, attached to a court order to be filled in later.

But it turns out I don't need a girlfriend, because I've got a high-speed internet connection. Who needs a lady when you can download seven minute movie clips?

* * * * *

APRIL 10
"Tell Your Friends!"
at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
8:00pm - FREE SHOW

WITH
Leo Allen
performed on a half-hour "Comedy Central Presents" special, as well as "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien." He spent several years as a writer for "Staurday Night Live."

Moody McCarthy
has performed on CBS' "The Early Show" and ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

God's Pottery
are a musical-comedy duo who have appeared on Comedy Central Records' "Invite Them Up" CD/DVD set. They have also appeared on Comedy Central's "The Clip Joint" and "The World Stands Up."

Amanda Melson
who is a writer for Comedy Central's Stand Up Nation w/ Greg Giraldo

Liam McEneaney
a writer for Standup Nation w/ Greg Giraldo, and has been seen on Best Week Ever and Premium Blend

Anvil Rabbitt
who is a fun singer/songwriter fella and a good friend of the show

AND OF COURSE, OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play.
Here's what the press has said:
* "BEST FOLK DUO"
"It's rare that we like a band from the first chord. Yet the first time we saw folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson play at the Bowery Poetry Club we were hooked.
Ann Enzminger and Nicholas Nace incorporate many of the best characteristics of both country music and classic rock without sounding derivative...Enzminger is a tiny woman, a hair taller than five feet, but with an opera-trained voice as big and sweet as a bowling ball–size Hershey Kiss. Nace's twangy talk-singing adds a quirky and ear-catching roughness; we crave the combination time and again." - The NY Press
* "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
* "A Brief View of the Hudson features Ann Enzminger's arrestingly powerful vocals, which are well tuned to the duo's graceful songs of indie-folk heartbreak." -Time Out NY

WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."

Produced by Mike Collins & Liam McEneaney

So California is going to ban marijuana-flavoured candy, which makes me think, "Wait, there was marijuana-flavoured candy?" And what's the point of banning that in California? I mean, actual marijuana is more widely available than candy in Cali.

It's the first candy that can both cause and cure the munchies at the same time.

Although scientists say that marijuana-flavoured candy is a gateway to something more addictive - Cadbury Creme Eggs.

However, the good news is that you can still get your dick sucked for crack-flavoured bubblegum.

* * * * *

My uncle was in the Air Force. He was a hero He hurt himself for his country, he sacrificed his body.

See, he was out flying around, over Germany during the war, and he was flying east, buzzing low over a nudist colony, and he spied an attractive woman. At the same time, his buddy Chuck was flying west over the same nudist colony, spied the same attractive woman.

And I guess they reached out of their planes and high-fived each other - at Mach 1. They both lost their hands. And the President of the United States himself told my uncle that he was a dumbass.

I can't believe, the other night this woman accused me of being racist.

All I could say was, "Nigga please!"

Please don't hate me. Enjoy this attempt to bring people together, and make sure to turn your speakers up. It's musical.

There's this Fundamentalist Christian Youth Group holding events across the country - tens of thousands of Christian youths gathering for music and dancing and Christ's word. The events are called "Battle Cry for a Generation."

First of all, as a half-Jewish fella, I tend to get a wee bit nervous whenever I hear hard-core religious types using words like "Battle Cry."
Usually, whenever Christians feel the need to go to battle, the first thing they like to do is lock up people like me in camps or dungeons.

And not the fun kind of camp, where you play water sports and learn about your budding sexuality.
And not the fun kind of dungeon, where you play water sports and learn about your budding sexuality.

So these events go from town to town, and these kids all get together and listen to rock, but luckily it's Christian rock, so at least they're not getting all riled up.

And they're run by this 44 year-old named Ron Luce, who has his own Christian Internet youth company called "Teen Mania."
First of all, “Teen Mania” doesn’t sound like something a grown man should be organizing in public. It sounds more like something a grown should be downloading alone at one in the morning while overeating ad wondering if a woman will ever love him.

I mean, you usually only hear about a 44 year-old man running something called “Teen Mania” through Megan’s Law.

And he wants to run a Christian alternative to MySpace, so that innocent Christian kids meeting pervs through the Internet. And who has a better track record for protecting young people from creepy old pervs than Christian churches?

Let's be real for a second - if your child came home one day and said, "Hey, this 44 year-old guy says he's created a space where me and my teen friends can hang out and we'll be safe because he's the only adult," you'd go after that guy with a baseball bat.

All these cultural conservatives are on TV, on the radio, saying that we must fight the enemies of good American Christian values, who are using the media to destroy the country from within.

And it's odd how all of these commentators are attacking the media that plans to destroy them - on national television. On syndicated radio programs.

Funny, but it's true that Christian values do have an actual enemy. In the Middle East. Which we're actually over there fighting. And yet I don't see any of these commentators getting into uniform, fighting their enemies in the war that - hey - they worked so hard to convince us would be a good idea to fight. All these "Battle Cry for a Generation" kids, it's time to put your money where some 18 year-old trying to fight his way through a college education put his mouth.

Every pundit, every op-ed columnist, every Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly should be dropped into the Middle East with a gun and no parachute.

And now Bush says that the strife and civil war in Iraq is Saddam Hussein's fault. I hope so - that would mean we finally have a reason to invade.

All right, I'm not getting paid to write my boring political opinions. If you disagree, please feel free to leave a comment below.