Wednesday, March 28, 2007
CAF-FIEND
I've been spending the week off of caffeine, and if you're going to go cold-turkey like i did, you really need to be able to block out about eight or nine hours day for naps.
Seriously, the second day I said, "Do I have cancer?" Because I was just fatigued and every bone in my body hurt.
* * * * *
Whenever I see a Starbucks, I feel sorry for crackheads. Because caffeine is just as addictive a drug, but it's socially acceptable.
Imagine the people at work alking about crack the same way they do coffee:
"I can barely get out of bed in the morning without my first hit of crack!"
"There's no crack in the kitchen! I'm going to kill whoever's supposed to replace the crack!"
On the other hand, it would be sweet to see Starbucks' customers get treated like crackheads:
"I'd like a triple-latte foamaccinno with caramel - and Splenda, not sugar."
"Sure, but first you're gonna have to blow this Puerto Rican guy."
* * * * *
Here's a classic sketch from SCTV, with Rick Moranis as Rabbi Karloff showing how to fend off anti-Semitic remarks. "Hey hoodlum!":
|
Seriously, the second day I said, "Do I have cancer?" Because I was just fatigued and every bone in my body hurt.
* * * * *
Whenever I see a Starbucks, I feel sorry for crackheads. Because caffeine is just as addictive a drug, but it's socially acceptable.
Imagine the people at work alking about crack the same way they do coffee:
"I can barely get out of bed in the morning without my first hit of crack!"
"There's no crack in the kitchen! I'm going to kill whoever's supposed to replace the crack!"
On the other hand, it would be sweet to see Starbucks' customers get treated like crackheads:
"I'd like a triple-latte foamaccinno with caramel - and Splenda, not sugar."
"Sure, but first you're gonna have to blow this Puerto Rican guy."
* * * * *
Here's a classic sketch from SCTV, with Rick Moranis as Rabbi Karloff showing how to fend off anti-Semitic remarks. "Hey hoodlum!":
Monday, March 26, 2007
SAX AND VIOLINS (minus the sax)
Saturday night, I get off the train at 53rd & Lexington, where a middle-aged Hispanic man has a violin that he's holding in his hand, an open violin case on the platform in front of him filled with coins and a dollar bill held down by a chunk of rosin.
I walk away, then decide, "What the hell?" I tend to give money to street performers and homeless musicians, as I always get a real "there but for the grace of God" feeling whenever I see them. I'm always appreciative of the fact that I've led a fairly blessed life, and feel that it's my karmic duty to give a little bit to those who haven't.
I drop all the change in my pocket in the violin case, and the violinist - whose name I later learned is Cesar - grabs my upper arm. He holds out his violin and bow with his other hand. "You ever play before?"
I think this is a strange challenge, so I decide to tell him the truth: "I took lessons when I was young, but - ah - not in twenty years."
He says, "You try." Proffering his violin and bow.
"What?"
Smiling, nodding, "Yes, you try."
"I haven't since I was a child."
"No no, you try it."
Well, even though I had two packages I was going to mail via the automated post office machines upstairs, I'm not one to turn down a completely random offer, so I put my packages down, put the violin under my chin, and drag the bow across the strings for a perfectly acceptable G-sharp.
The smell of rosin on the violin strings brought back so many memories; of going to Morningside Heights apartment every Saturday morning, taking the one hour train ride each way with my mother, to take these lessons. From a nice young woman named Amy, who lived in this one-bedroom with Richard, who had a huge loom in their living room with a huge unfinished rug. There was a mug in her kitchen, I remember, that said, "Bee fish gnu a beary fishmas." When I was young, this was hilarious to me.
I always resented losing the Saturdays that I could have been playing with my friends, and I never practiced anyways, but I felt a real pang of regret holding that violin in my hand, that I had spent so much time in learning an instrument that I now, as an adult, had no idea how to play.
Cesar said, "You still remember where to put bow!"
I nodded proudly, and Cesar started showing me the fingering on the G-string (heh heh) - A, B, C, C-sharp. I watched as three black teenagers walked behind him, one noticing him, pointing him out to his two friends, walking up behind him and plunking on the strings. Cesar turned agitatedly, and the teenager - dressed in matching shocking-yellow Yankees cap and over-sized jersey and baggy pants - said, "Cesar!"
They bumped fists, and the teenager said, "Yo, you remember that thick bitch I was here with last time?"
Cesar gave him a look, and the teenager said, "I mean, thick lady. Anyway, I was with this thick bitch - I mean thick lady, and you got mad because you was tryin' to kick it to this bitch..."
Cesar said, "Why you have to use this word?"
I took my leave of Cesar shortly thereafter, promising to finish my lesson some other time.
Many hours later, I'm on the E train heading home, my head leaned back, may hand on my stomach. It had been a long night, and unfortunately, all that day, I had been at home working, and the only food in my home that Saturday were rice, beans, and granola cereal, and so that's all I ate all day. Add to that alcohol at these shows and parties, and I had one hell of a stomach-ache brewing.
At Times Square, I watched Cesar get on. I was in no shape to deal with my new best friend, so I leaned my head back and pretended to sleep. I opened my eyes, and I was in Queens, two stops away from home.
* * * * *
TONIGHT!
MONDAY, MARCH 26th
Tell Your Friends!
at the Lolita bar!
266 Broome St., at the corner of Allen
8:00pm - FREE!
Host: Amanda Melson
Acts:
Arj Barker - has been seen on two (2) "Comedy Central Presents Arj Barker" specials, "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" and is an original writer/star of the Off-Broadway hit, "The Marijuanalogues"
Josie Long - is a British comedian who won the Best Newcomer Award at last year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Todd Levin - has appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend and at the Aspen Comedy Festival, as well as at the NYC Beard & Mustache Championship
Liam McEneaney - has appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"
Carla Rhodes - the rock n' roll ventriloquist
Rachael Parenta - is preparing for her West Coast tour
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show and workout comedy room is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."
* "It's been a while since we wrote about Tell Your Friends but this weekly comedy series deserves a nod. Every Monday they belt out top notch comedy at rock bottom prices with performers who have appeared on Comedy Central, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and more." - FreeNYC.net
* * * * *
Here's Johnny "Trash" singing a song for Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. Please note how "far out" and "groovy" Oscar's dialogue was back then:
|
I walk away, then decide, "What the hell?" I tend to give money to street performers and homeless musicians, as I always get a real "there but for the grace of God" feeling whenever I see them. I'm always appreciative of the fact that I've led a fairly blessed life, and feel that it's my karmic duty to give a little bit to those who haven't.
I drop all the change in my pocket in the violin case, and the violinist - whose name I later learned is Cesar - grabs my upper arm. He holds out his violin and bow with his other hand. "You ever play before?"
I think this is a strange challenge, so I decide to tell him the truth: "I took lessons when I was young, but - ah - not in twenty years."
He says, "You try." Proffering his violin and bow.
"What?"
Smiling, nodding, "Yes, you try."
"I haven't since I was a child."
"No no, you try it."
Well, even though I had two packages I was going to mail via the automated post office machines upstairs, I'm not one to turn down a completely random offer, so I put my packages down, put the violin under my chin, and drag the bow across the strings for a perfectly acceptable G-sharp.
The smell of rosin on the violin strings brought back so many memories; of going to Morningside Heights apartment every Saturday morning, taking the one hour train ride each way with my mother, to take these lessons. From a nice young woman named Amy, who lived in this one-bedroom with Richard, who had a huge loom in their living room with a huge unfinished rug. There was a mug in her kitchen, I remember, that said, "Bee fish gnu a beary fishmas." When I was young, this was hilarious to me.
I always resented losing the Saturdays that I could have been playing with my friends, and I never practiced anyways, but I felt a real pang of regret holding that violin in my hand, that I had spent so much time in learning an instrument that I now, as an adult, had no idea how to play.
Cesar said, "You still remember where to put bow!"
I nodded proudly, and Cesar started showing me the fingering on the G-string (heh heh) - A, B, C, C-sharp. I watched as three black teenagers walked behind him, one noticing him, pointing him out to his two friends, walking up behind him and plunking on the strings. Cesar turned agitatedly, and the teenager - dressed in matching shocking-yellow Yankees cap and over-sized jersey and baggy pants - said, "Cesar!"
They bumped fists, and the teenager said, "Yo, you remember that thick bitch I was here with last time?"
Cesar gave him a look, and the teenager said, "I mean, thick lady. Anyway, I was with this thick bitch - I mean thick lady, and you got mad because you was tryin' to kick it to this bitch..."
Cesar said, "Why you have to use this word?"
I took my leave of Cesar shortly thereafter, promising to finish my lesson some other time.
Many hours later, I'm on the E train heading home, my head leaned back, may hand on my stomach. It had been a long night, and unfortunately, all that day, I had been at home working, and the only food in my home that Saturday were rice, beans, and granola cereal, and so that's all I ate all day. Add to that alcohol at these shows and parties, and I had one hell of a stomach-ache brewing.
At Times Square, I watched Cesar get on. I was in no shape to deal with my new best friend, so I leaned my head back and pretended to sleep. I opened my eyes, and I was in Queens, two stops away from home.
* * * * *
TONIGHT!
MONDAY, MARCH 26th
Tell Your Friends!
at the Lolita bar!
266 Broome St., at the corner of Allen
8:00pm - FREE!
Host: Amanda Melson
Acts:
Arj Barker - has been seen on two (2) "Comedy Central Presents Arj Barker" specials, "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" and is an original writer/star of the Off-Broadway hit, "The Marijuanalogues"
Josie Long - is a British comedian who won the Best Newcomer Award at last year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Todd Levin - has appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend and at the Aspen Comedy Festival, as well as at the NYC Beard & Mustache Championship
Liam McEneaney - has appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"
Carla Rhodes - the rock n' roll ventriloquist
Rachael Parenta - is preparing for her West Coast tour
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show and workout comedy room is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."
* "It's been a while since we wrote about Tell Your Friends but this weekly comedy series deserves a nod. Every Monday they belt out top notch comedy at rock bottom prices with performers who have appeared on Comedy Central, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and more." - FreeNYC.net
* * * * *
Here's Johnny "Trash" singing a song for Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. Please note how "far out" and "groovy" Oscar's dialogue was back then:
Labels: homeless musician, memories, sounding like a rambling old man boring his grandkids
Thursday, March 22, 2007
BIG COOL GLASS OF HATERADE
I think people overuse the word "hate."
Like, I was talking to a friend, and she said, "I hate Elvis Costello."
And I said, "Why?"
And she said, "Because he can't sing."
And I said, "No, let me explain something to you. Somewhere in New Jersey is a guy, let's call him 'Frank'. And one night thirteen years ago, Frank's wife went alone to an Elvis Costello concert, and she had a good time, and afterwards she decided to see if she could get backstage. And nine months later, she gave birth to a half-Irish kid with glasses who can't sing. Frank hates Elvis Costello. You hate his music."
* * * * *
This is one of those legendary live TV moments - Andrew "Dice" Clay curses out CNN:
|
Like, I was talking to a friend, and she said, "I hate Elvis Costello."
And I said, "Why?"
And she said, "Because he can't sing."
And I said, "No, let me explain something to you. Somewhere in New Jersey is a guy, let's call him 'Frank'. And one night thirteen years ago, Frank's wife went alone to an Elvis Costello concert, and she had a good time, and afterwards she decided to see if she could get backstage. And nine months later, she gave birth to a half-Irish kid with glasses who can't sing. Frank hates Elvis Costello. You hate his music."
* * * * *
This is one of those legendary live TV moments - Andrew "Dice" Clay curses out CNN:
Labels: a guy you don't know named "Frank" (not his real name), criticism, Elvis Costello, the end of a marriage
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I PATCH, YOU PATCH, WE ALL PATCH FOR EYE PATCHES!!!!
In the olden days, wearing an eye patch meant you were a bad-ass.
Now it means you don't know how to handle a staple gun.
In the 1600s, wearing an eye patch meant you were the scourge of the seven seas.
Now it means you're the asshole you got drunk and thought he could put up wallpaper.
Yes, there are better blog entries coming, I promise.
* * * * *
Here's one of me heroes, Bob Newhart, roasting Don Rickles on the old Dean Martin roast show that you've probably seen infomercials for:
|
Now it means you don't know how to handle a staple gun.
In the 1600s, wearing an eye patch meant you were the scourge of the seven seas.
Now it means you're the asshole you got drunk and thought he could put up wallpaper.
Yes, there are better blog entries coming, I promise.
* * * * *
Here's one of me heroes, Bob Newhart, roasting Don Rickles on the old Dean Martin roast show that you've probably seen infomercials for:
Labels: cyclopses, fashionable eyewear, insensitivity towards the handicapped
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
DID AN INTERVIEW WITH A COMEDY MAGAZINE
I may come off like a jerk in this magazine, then again maybe not.
I think it's available for purchase now. The website is here.
(On the cover is the very funny Ted Alexandro. They also did interviews with Rachel Feinstein and Tom Shillue, two other very funny comedians.)
* * * * *
You don't fuck with Keith Richards:
|
I think it's available for purchase now. The website is here.
(On the cover is the very funny Ted Alexandro. They also did interviews with Rachel Feinstein and Tom Shillue, two other very funny comedians.)
* * * * *
You don't fuck with Keith Richards:
Labels: blatant self-promotion, no content, sorry
Monday, March 19, 2007
OH, I LOVE NEW ENGLAND!
Spent some time in Rhode Island this weekend, where it borders Massachussettes. Which meant that, in the hallway of my motel, I got to hear my favorite thing: A New Englander Acting Like My Mental Stereotype of a New Englander*.
It was two young people arguing over a pizza delivery order, and one said to the other: "You're acting wicked retahded!"
Not so cool was the fact that they then hung out in the room next to mine talking loudly, occaisionally punctuating their conversation with a loud "Wheee!" over and over. It's funny, I felt like a grumpy old man, when I called the front desk and asked them to keep those whipper-snappers quiet over there.
* * * * *
I got to take the bus in Rhode Island, into Providence. I think you should take public transportation everywhere you go. You get to see the other side of society.
In this case, the guy with the face tattoo was the normal one.
I sat next to him, said, "Look - that guy's eyes are on the same side of his face!"
He said, "Yeah, he looks like a guy I killed in prison."
"Right?"
Then we hugged. BFF!
* * * * *
Here's Part 1 of a great interview Dick Cavett did with Woody Allen. The other five parts are up on YouTube:
And here's a segment from an Iranian TV series on Jews and the Cinema. As you can imagine, it's quite a well-researched feat of intellectual accomplishment:
|
It was two young people arguing over a pizza delivery order, and one said to the other: "You're acting wicked retahded!"
Not so cool was the fact that they then hung out in the room next to mine talking loudly, occaisionally punctuating their conversation with a loud "Wheee!" over and over. It's funny, I felt like a grumpy old man, when I called the front desk and asked them to keep those whipper-snappers quiet over there.
* * * * *
I got to take the bus in Rhode Island, into Providence. I think you should take public transportation everywhere you go. You get to see the other side of society.
In this case, the guy with the face tattoo was the normal one.
I sat next to him, said, "Look - that guy's eyes are on the same side of his face!"
He said, "Yeah, he looks like a guy I killed in prison."
"Right?"
Then we hugged. BFF!
* * * * *
Here's Part 1 of a great interview Dick Cavett did with Woody Allen. The other five parts are up on YouTube:
And here's a segment from an Iranian TV series on Jews and the Cinema. As you can imagine, it's quite a well-researched feat of intellectual accomplishment:
Labels: face tattoo, New England, ordering pizza, public transportation, Rhode Island, wicked retahd
Friday, March 16, 2007
GOSH AND BEGORRAH!
(World's Worst Law Firm)
St. Paddy's Day is coming up tomorrow, which means one thing: I am avoiding Irish people as much as possible.
I'd say more here because yes, I do have jokes about Irish culture. But guess what, suckas? I'm doing a St. Patrick's Day show on Monday, and youse guys can check it out then. (Details below the following joke.)
* * * * *
The weirdest species of man is the guy who rejects women he would have no chance with even if they knew he existed.
“Oh, I couldn’t date Drew Barrymore. Her voice is all weird and her face is too flat.”
Dude, if you were ever allowed within ten feet of Drew Barrymore, you’d be calling a press conference:
“Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I called you all here today because I wanted to let the world know that I had a serious shot at Drew Barrymore. She asked me what my name was, and then asked if I would mind moving down four or five barstools so her friends could join her. I could have totally nailed her if I wanted to. But her voice is weird, so I didn't want to. Also her boyfriend said he'd kick my ass if I didn't stop bothering her.”
The same guy always end up dating the ugliest woman you’ve ever met.
I don’t develop celebrity crushes. In grade school, all the guys I knew were into Tiffany.
I had a crush on Tara O’Connell.
“What wrong with you? Tiffany’s way hotter.”
“Yeah, but Tara O’Connell’s in our class. She's actually here and I can talk to her. She might actually go out with me. Tiffany thinks you're creepy for having a crush on someone you've never met.”
* * * * *
St. Paddy's Day Show!
MONDAY, MARCH 19th
Tell Your Irish Friends!
at the Lolita bar!
266 Broome St., at the corner of Allen!
8:00pm - FREE!
Host: Liam McEneaney
Acts:
Brian Kiley - a writer for "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," as seen on "Late Show w/ David Letterman," "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno," and "Comedy Central Presents: Brian Kiley"
Christian Finnegan - is currently headlining the Comedy Central "Two For Flinching College Tour" behind his album from Comedy Central Records, titled "Two For Flinching." He's been seen on VH1's "Best Week Ever" and "Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan"
The Hazzards - have appeared on Comedy Central, released a #67 hit single on the British pop charts, and have had their music videos "Gay Boyfriend" and "Shut Up and Makeout" downloaded millions of times! Look for their new full-length album coming soon!
Diane O'Debra - of the cult hit, "The O'Debra Twins"
Fiona Walsh - is from Ireland, and currently runs the Sundays at Seven series at the Irish Arts Center. She will be appearing at this year's Galway Comedy Festival.
Keith Farnan - is from Ireland, and will be coming off of having opened for Irish superstar Ardal O'Hanlon in Boston
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show and 'workout comedy room' is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."
* * * * *
Here's my buddy Eddie Pepitone from John Morrison's fun Motel show:
|
I'd say more here because yes, I do have jokes about Irish culture. But guess what, suckas? I'm doing a St. Patrick's Day show on Monday, and youse guys can check it out then. (Details below the following joke.)
* * * * *
The weirdest species of man is the guy who rejects women he would have no chance with even if they knew he existed.
“Oh, I couldn’t date Drew Barrymore. Her voice is all weird and her face is too flat.”
Dude, if you were ever allowed within ten feet of Drew Barrymore, you’d be calling a press conference:
“Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I called you all here today because I wanted to let the world know that I had a serious shot at Drew Barrymore. She asked me what my name was, and then asked if I would mind moving down four or five barstools so her friends could join her. I could have totally nailed her if I wanted to. But her voice is weird, so I didn't want to. Also her boyfriend said he'd kick my ass if I didn't stop bothering her.”
The same guy always end up dating the ugliest woman you’ve ever met.
I don’t develop celebrity crushes. In grade school, all the guys I knew were into Tiffany.
I had a crush on Tara O’Connell.
“What wrong with you? Tiffany’s way hotter.”
“Yeah, but Tara O’Connell’s in our class. She's actually here and I can talk to her. She might actually go out with me. Tiffany thinks you're creepy for having a crush on someone you've never met.”
* * * * *
St. Paddy's Day Show!
MONDAY, MARCH 19th
Tell Your Irish Friends!
at the Lolita bar!
266 Broome St., at the corner of Allen!
8:00pm - FREE!
Host: Liam McEneaney
Acts:
Brian Kiley - a writer for "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," as seen on "Late Show w/ David Letterman," "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno," and "Comedy Central Presents: Brian Kiley"
Christian Finnegan - is currently headlining the Comedy Central "Two For Flinching College Tour" behind his album from Comedy Central Records, titled "Two For Flinching." He's been seen on VH1's "Best Week Ever" and "Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan"
The Hazzards - have appeared on Comedy Central, released a #67 hit single on the British pop charts, and have had their music videos "Gay Boyfriend" and "Shut Up and Makeout" downloaded millions of times! Look for their new full-length album coming soon!
Diane O'Debra - of the cult hit, "The O'Debra Twins"
Fiona Walsh - is from Ireland, and currently runs the Sundays at Seven series at the Irish Arts Center. She will be appearing at this year's Galway Comedy Festival.
Keith Farnan - is from Ireland, and will be coming off of having opened for Irish superstar Ardal O'Hanlon in Boston
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show and 'workout comedy room' is sure to please."
* The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.
* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.
* "Editor's Pick!" - clubfreetime.com
* The Onion says, "Though it's pegged as a 'workout room' for comics to test their new(ish) material, Liam McEneaney's weekly show Tell Your Friends flexes enough comedic muscle to pull its weight alongside more established downtown shows. Demetri Martin, Slovin & Allen, and Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Brian Kiley are among the stand-ups who have squeezed into Lolita's narrow space since the show's debut this summer, alongside the surprisingly tolerable resident folk duo A Brief View of the Hudson."
* * * * *
Here's my buddy Eddie Pepitone from John Morrison's fun Motel show:
Labels: chicks, hate speech, ice cream, irish, talking
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
HIGH SCHOOL HIGH
& GOING OUT OF TOWN AND STUFF
When I was in high school, we had a guy who was a career guidance counselor. As far as I could tell, his job was to tell me that I had no direction, and that he thought I wasn't going to get a good job.
What, you mean like a high school career guidance counselor? So I could get paid fifteen grand a year to have this conversation over and over?
Dude, who was your guidance counselor, because they did a shitty job.
* * * * *
I think the reason they called it "high school" was because you have to be extremely high to be able to deal with all that shit every day.
* * * * *
I am trying to get better about posting my out-of-town gigs, but sometimes I forget and sometimes I'm just embarrassed (I didn't want folks coming to see me at a steak and seafood restaurant),
But this is going to be good. I'm going to be at the Catch A Rising Star in Providence, Rhode Island, all weekend, opening for my buddy Christian Finnegan, who is a funny comedian and a nice young man. If you're in Providence, you should come check it out. Here's all the info.
* * * * *
Richard Jeni killed himself, as you may have heard, and it's tragic. Sometimes those eighties comics get a bad rap because all the bad comedians ripped off the good comedians, and it got to the point where to the average person they all sounded the same.
But Richard Jeni was one of the good ones, and to prove it here's his Tonight Show set all about the movie Jaws 4:
|
What, you mean like a high school career guidance counselor? So I could get paid fifteen grand a year to have this conversation over and over?
Dude, who was your guidance counselor, because they did a shitty job.
* * * * *
I think the reason they called it "high school" was because you have to be extremely high to be able to deal with all that shit every day.
* * * * *
I am trying to get better about posting my out-of-town gigs, but sometimes I forget and sometimes I'm just embarrassed (I didn't want folks coming to see me at a steak and seafood restaurant),
But this is going to be good. I'm going to be at the Catch A Rising Star in Providence, Rhode Island, all weekend, opening for my buddy Christian Finnegan, who is a funny comedian and a nice young man. If you're in Providence, you should come check it out. Here's all the info.
* * * * *
Richard Jeni killed himself, as you may have heard, and it's tragic. Sometimes those eighties comics get a bad rap because all the bad comedians ripped off the good comedians, and it got to the point where to the average person they all sounded the same.
But Richard Jeni was one of the good ones, and to prove it here's his Tonight Show set all about the movie Jaws 4:
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
HERE
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
IF YOU'RE BORED...
The Liam & Tony Show
Thursday, March 8th
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Ave. A, at 3rd Street
Doors open: 8:45 Show starts: 9:00pm
Admission: $5.00
Tony Camin and Liam McEneaney take the Mo Pitkin's stage for one night only.
Hosted by: Leo Allen who has appeared on "Comedy Central Presents" and "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien"
Tony Camin has appeared on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," "Jimmy Kimmel Live!," and "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn," and co-wrote and starred in the Off-Broadway hit, "The Marijuanalogues."
Liam McEneaney has appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever," and spent two seasons as a writer for Comedy Central's "Stand-Up Nation w/ Greg Giraldo."
* * * * *
There's going to be a dearth of new posts until Monday, just show promos.
But here's something you can enjoy. Someone told W.C. Fields that you just can't make fun of blind people in a movie. He decided that you could, if they represented a clear threat. He was right. Enjoy the "Mr. Muckle" scene from the classic It's A Gift:
|
Thursday, March 8th
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Ave. A, at 3rd Street
Doors open: 8:45 Show starts: 9:00pm
Admission: $5.00
Tony Camin and Liam McEneaney take the Mo Pitkin's stage for one night only.
Hosted by: Leo Allen who has appeared on "Comedy Central Presents" and "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien"
Tony Camin has appeared on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," "Jimmy Kimmel Live!," and "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn," and co-wrote and starred in the Off-Broadway hit, "The Marijuanalogues."
Liam McEneaney has appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever," and spent two seasons as a writer for Comedy Central's "Stand-Up Nation w/ Greg Giraldo."
* * * * *
There's going to be a dearth of new posts until Monday, just show promos.
But here's something you can enjoy. Someone told W.C. Fields that you just can't make fun of blind people in a movie. He decided that you could, if they represented a clear threat. He was right. Enjoy the "Mr. Muckle" scene from the classic It's A Gift:
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
GOT AN INVITATION TO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION
I got it and I said to myself, "Why would I want to hang out with these people? Didn't I spend four years trying to get the hell away from them?"
I would seriously have to have exhausted all of my entertainment options:
"Hey Liam, we're going to get kicked in the balls."
Sorry, I've got my high school reunion.
"But we're going to play bad '90s dance music and quietly judge each other."
Then I saw that the reunion cost $75.00. And if I want to pay seventy-five bucks to be surrounded by people I hate, I'll go to a Dave Matthews concert. I'll probably see the same people there.
* * * * *
I got my GED, and when I took the GED test I was pissed at the difficulty level. Not because it was so hard, but because it was so incredibly easy. I realized that I could have taken it and saved myself four years of social misery.
* * * * *
Here, comedian Travis Simmons tells a funny story about meeting Bill Cosby:
|
I would seriously have to have exhausted all of my entertainment options:
"Hey Liam, we're going to get kicked in the balls."
Sorry, I've got my high school reunion.
"But we're going to play bad '90s dance music and quietly judge each other."
Then I saw that the reunion cost $75.00. And if I want to pay seventy-five bucks to be surrounded by people I hate, I'll go to a Dave Matthews concert. I'll probably see the same people there.
* * * * *
I got my GED, and when I took the GED test I was pissed at the difficulty level. Not because it was so hard, but because it was so incredibly easy. I realized that I could have taken it and saved myself four years of social misery.
* * * * *
Here, comedian Travis Simmons tells a funny story about meeting Bill Cosby:
Monday, March 05, 2007
THIS IS TRUE
I'm a product of the New York City public school system, which means that I'm lucky I can find New York City on a map.
In high school, I had a lot of teachers who would go on and on - in class - about how much they hated their jobs, and how they wished they taught in Long Island because there they would make more money and the students are so much better.
One day a kid named Curtis raised his hand and said, "But don't you gotta be good to teach in Long Island?" The class snickered, and I don't know what Curtis' friend said to him, but his reply was, "I don't give a fuck. I ain't passing this class."
And the teacher replied, "That's not right. You aren't passing this class." So we all learned something.
Anyway, one of my Social Studies teachers departed from his lesson plan to say, "You know why there's so many black people in Newark?"
We stared at him blankly, and he continued, "It's because when the Civil War ended, so many ex-slaves came North to find work, but they couldn't read. So they got on the train to New York, but they heard the conductor say 'Newark and they got off at the wrong stop."
It took me years and years to unuravel all the levels and layers of wrongness in this story. I guess my point is, if you're a NYC public school teacher, never worry yourself about getting fired.
* * * * *
Could someone please tell me how Ann Coulter is part of the national debate? She is an awful, crazy woman:
|
In high school, I had a lot of teachers who would go on and on - in class - about how much they hated their jobs, and how they wished they taught in Long Island because there they would make more money and the students are so much better.
One day a kid named Curtis raised his hand and said, "But don't you gotta be good to teach in Long Island?" The class snickered, and I don't know what Curtis' friend said to him, but his reply was, "I don't give a fuck. I ain't passing this class."
And the teacher replied, "That's not right. You aren't passing this class." So we all learned something.
Anyway, one of my Social Studies teachers departed from his lesson plan to say, "You know why there's so many black people in Newark?"
We stared at him blankly, and he continued, "It's because when the Civil War ended, so many ex-slaves came North to find work, but they couldn't read. So they got on the train to New York, but they heard the conductor say 'Newark and they got off at the wrong stop."
It took me years and years to unuravel all the levels and layers of wrongness in this story. I guess my point is, if you're a NYC public school teacher, never worry yourself about getting fired.
* * * * *
Could someone please tell me how Ann Coulter is part of the national debate? She is an awful, crazy woman:
Thursday, March 01, 2007
LET'S START A BIG FIGHT IN MY COMMENTS SECTION!
I never trust anyone who says that they're pro-life - and are also anti-sex.
How's that even possible? "I love babies, I just hate the process."
And don't tell me you only hate sex outside the confines of a marriage. It's such a weird thing to hate, because for so many people it's the only thing they have that makes them feel good.
Okay, because there are people in this country where they truly do believe that sex pollutes the body. But then, if you go to the Bible Belt where they truly do believe that, and you go to any Wal-Mart there, you'll see a lot of them are very overweight.
They're giving up the S-E-X, and the're picking up the K-F-C.
* * * * *
Bob Dylan's gospel period is one of his least-appreciated. Below is a great song from that period, 1980, In The Garden.
When you listen to, or watch, live Dylan from the time, he has some really great intros to his songs. Someone sent me an MP3 of his famous (among Dylan nerds) onstage seven minute rant where he told his audience, "You can go and see KISS and you can rock and roll all the way down into the pit!" The crowd screams their approval, and then he rocks it.
What I'm saying is, despite what he says below, I don't think he really wants people to write to him with their questions:
And what the hell, here's the same song played by Dylan with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at Madison Square Garden:
|
How's that even possible? "I love babies, I just hate the process."
And don't tell me you only hate sex outside the confines of a marriage. It's such a weird thing to hate, because for so many people it's the only thing they have that makes them feel good.
Okay, because there are people in this country where they truly do believe that sex pollutes the body. But then, if you go to the Bible Belt where they truly do believe that, and you go to any Wal-Mart there, you'll see a lot of them are very overweight.
They're giving up the S-E-X, and the're picking up the K-F-C.
* * * * *
Bob Dylan's gospel period is one of his least-appreciated. Below is a great song from that period, 1980, In The Garden.
When you listen to, or watch, live Dylan from the time, he has some really great intros to his songs. Someone sent me an MP3 of his famous (among Dylan nerds) onstage seven minute rant where he told his audience, "You can go and see KISS and you can rock and roll all the way down into the pit!" The crowd screams their approval, and then he rocks it.
What I'm saying is, despite what he says below, I don't think he really wants people to write to him with their questions:
And what the hell, here's the same song played by Dylan with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at Madison Square Garden:
