Wednesday, June 18, 2008
it's a reading show. where the readers have a live jazz band improvising behind them. every month it's a great show. and the crowds just keep getting bigger. this is the last "writings w/ music" show i'll do until september. so it's going to be a big deal.
that's why i'm really happy that i could have three of my friends who writer/editor for the onion come and read on this show. between them, they are responsible for producing not only several ny times best-selling books. but they have turned out decades of some of the country's sharpest satire and comic writing. on a weekly basis. in what might be the most influential comic organ since the glory years of the national lampoon.
i am excited. you are, too. we are expecting an audience. so come early. and often. (sorry.) here's the info:
* * * * *
liam mceneaney's writings with music:
'three from the onion'
wednesday, june 18th
at ochi's lounge
(below comix comedy club - 14th & 9th)
7:00pm - free admission (if you purchase a drink)
hosted by: liam mceneaney
with three from the onion:
and live accompaniment from evan silverman's jazzhole - one of nyc's
premier jazz trios, led by silverman, a trained bassist with a
bachelor's in jazz, who has toured in support of such acts as echo & the
bunnymen and bob dylan
Friday, June 06, 2008
Well, fuck Mitch Albom. I got a list ten times longer than his, and it tell you who made it into heaven. Without any further ado...
50. The Wolf from that Warner Bros. “Jazz” Version of Little Red Riding Hood
He spent the last day of his life trying to kill and eat a 10 year-old girl and her poor old granny, got blown up through his own devices, and still he was last seen wearing a heavenly white gown and halo and wings, strumming a harp, and floating his way up to Heaven. One can only assume that the previous, unseen portion of his life was spent helping leprous orphans in the jobs he got for them constructing artificial limbs for returning veterans.
49. Your first dog
In Heaven, he will be given an intelligence 1000 times greater than that which he possessed on Earth. Not that he’ll be a genius, but he’ll about as smart as your average human being, or twice as smart as your average Flavor of Love contestant. However, your reunion will be bittersweet; he’ll be so embarrassed by his behaviour as your pet – running when you call, chasing sticks, allowing you to cut off his testicles – that he’ll spend a great deal of time avoiding you. He’ll let your emails go unanswered, send your calls to voice mail, and when you finally swallow your pride and walk to his house he’ll turn off his lights, duck behind the furniture, and pretend not to be home. When you finally run into each other at a party, it will be awkward.
48. The maitre d’
As the saying goes, “you can’t take it with you.” So you won’t have any money, but you will need to figure out how to “slip him a little something” if you don’t want to be seated in a shitty section.
47. Kurt Vonnegut
But he will spend a lot of time making a convincing case that where he is doesn’t really exist.
46. That preacher you saw screaming in Times Square in ’87
He will be the single smuggest man in Heaven, and will spend a lot of time saying things like, “I bet those tourists didn’t think it was so funny to take my picture now.” Or “Who’s laughing now, pimp and prostitutes and dealers?” Problem is, just because he’s right doesn’t mean he isnt’ completely nuts – the nicest thing you can do is smile, nod, and leave as quickly as possible.
45. Most of your ex-girlfriends
However, since it’s Heaven, you guys will never run into each other.
44. William Shakespeare
The closest you will get to meeting him is talking to his closest friend, the playwright Arthur Miller, who will get drunk and tell you that all of Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by Queen Elizabeth, who hired Shakespeare as a front because women weren’t allowed to participate in the theatre. You will want to confirm it but be unable to, as no member of the British Royal Family has ever actually made it in.
But he’ll be kinda stand-offish until he sees you’re not one of “those” Christians.
And you will indeed discover that He is everywhere – except at the table when the check arrives.
41. John Lennon & George Harrison
Don’t get your hopes up – they still aren’t talking to each other.
40. Your first crush from Junior High School
Bad news about that; they didn’t know you were alive and they sure as Hell don’t care that you’re dead.
39. A surprising amount of personal injury attorneys
There to scrub toilets as part of a work-release program from an increasingly-crowded Hell.
38. The guy who wrote the Bible
You'll meet him at a party where he will explain that a lot has been lost in translation from the original Hebrew; for instance the story of Noah was originally about an increasingly-exasperated everyman whose family vacation is cut short by a series of crazy misadventures, culminating in a cruise through the worst storm ever seen. Then he will tell you that he originally envisioned Jack Lemmon in the role, but is now in talks with Steve Martin’s people. Then you will buy him a drink to go away.
37. L. Ron Hubbard
And man, he does not want to talk about it.
36. Jim Henson
The line to meet him will be about twenty times longer than the one to meet Moses.
35. Sam Kinison
And trust me, he’s more surprised than you are.
34. Jimi Hendrix
He runs a Guitar Center, and will kick you out if you start playing “Stairway.”
33. Your grandparents
And despite the fact that money holds no value up there, you can rest assured that every year you will find that they have sent you a slightly-humurous card with a check for five dollars inside.
32. Charles Darwin
Nice guy, but maybe enjoys a little too much wondering aloud how all his critics are doing “down there.”
31. Hugh Hefner
Have you seen him? He’s clearly died twenty years ago, and the thing animating his skin is the ghost of an ancient Native American whose remains had been laid to rest in the land where, centuries later, the Playboy Mansion’s grotto was dug. It is a wise spirit who has discovered that the only thing it loves more than its people and the land they once tended is busty airheaded blonds.
30. The poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge
He’s a little nuts, really, and very hard to talk to. But you’ll hang with him for the same reason everyone else does; he knows all the dealers, and one phone call to a guy will get you the pure, uncut good shit.
29. Adolf Hitler
Relax, it's not that Adolf Hitler. This Adolf Hitler is an Austrian gentleman who died in 1743, is in no way related to the famous namesake, and has long resigned himself to explaining all this in great detail any time he meets anyone.
28. The Rolling Stones
FOR THREE NIGHTS ONLY! Seriously, those guys will tour anywhere they can get paid.
27. The sculptor Michaelangelo
In one of those ironic twists of fate, he met the actual Biblical David in line in a Starbucks (and yes, there’s a Starbucks up there. There’s a Starbucks everywhere; in Heaven, though, the coffee doesn’t taste burnt). David was going through a breakup, and one thing led to another, and now they live together, even though the real David is a bit hairier and paunchier than Michaelangelo imagined he’d be.
26. Dr. Sigmund Freud
But good luck getting an appointment; he’s booked up for the next three millennia, and even when he can see you, you’re going to go through three issues of The New Yorker before he can even see you.
25. Martin Luther King
He’ll tell you that he has a brand-new dream; one that involves waiting for James Earl Ray with a sock full of batteries. Then, when he sees the look on your face, he’ll tell you to relax; it’s just a joke. But you can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s kinda not kidding.
24. Marco Polo
For a world-famous explorer and conquerer of new lands, you’ll find him surprisingly approachable and easy to talk to. Probably because you spent a semester abroad in China, and he’s genuinely curious to hear how it’s changed since he first met the Khan. However, any chance at finishing your conversation will be ruined when a friend of his approaches and addresses him as “Marco!” You will, without even thinking, instinctively reply, “POLO!” He’ll give you a cold stare, and excuse himself. His friend will apologize on his behalf and explain that he’s heard that joke about a billion times.
23. Charles Nelson Reilly
For the win.
22. Eugene Fodor
The creator of the Fodor Travel Guides. He finds Heaven to have friendly natives, good food, and some amazing views, but will tell you that overall it doesn’t hold a candle to New Zealand.
21. Dr. Jack Kevorkian
In a case of true celestial irony, none of his patients will be there, as suicide is still considered by Heavenly authorities to be a mortal sin.
20. All 27 of the Original Three Stooges
Even though you’re an avowed fan of his hunger strikes and his civil disobedience in fighting to free India from the yoke of British oppression, there’s always that one guy who’s going to tell you that he was a fan of his earlier work, and will lecture you on what he calls “Ghandi’s first and best period, The South African Years.” You will meet the man, and all he will say to you is, “My first name is Mohandas, dammit. Mohandas. Where do people keep getting this ‘Mohatma’ shit?” Then he’ll mutter angrily to himself before continuing to feed nearby pigeons out of a goldfish crackers bag, reaching into the bag and sprinkling the little yellow crackers on the sidewalk in front of him.
18. St. Sharkey, the Patron Saint of Nothin’
Surprise surprise, he didn’t earn his sainthood; he won it off of St. Aquinas in an all-night poker game.
17. A Lot More Gay People than the Fundamentalists Think
And they live in their own neighborhood; not because straight people don’t want to live near them, but because they can’t afford to. As usual, once the gays started moving in, they brought nice shops and restaurants with them, sending the property values skyrocketing.
16. Baron Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen
The World War I flying ace. However, this is actually Hell for him, for as soon as people find out who he is, he is forced to say “Yes, the guy from the Snoopy cartoons.” Over and over and over again.
15. Theodore Geisel aka Dr. Seuss
It’s probably not a good idea to bring up Seussical: The Musical around this guy; the nicest thing he has ever said about is,
“Oh fractious farce!, oh horrific reception!
Though abortion I’m pro, in this case
I will make an exception.”
14. Friedrich Nietszche
The famous German philosopher. Be warned that shortly after his arrival, his friends found him to be “too intense,” and so to “mellow him out a bit” they got him to start smoking weed. You’ll be disappointed to find that now he spends a lot of time sitting on his couch, eating Captain Crunch straight from the box, and lecturing to anyone who will listen that the secret of life can be found in old Bruce Lee movies.
13. Lou Gehrig
Who will be the first to admit that perhaps, on the day when he was forced to retire from baseball because he was dying young of a disease so rare they named it after him, perhaps he was not “the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”
12. Andy Griffith
You will understand in an intellectual sense that actors are just people playing a part, and that just because someone isn’t as nice as the character he played on TV it doesn’t make him a dick. And that no actual living person could be as nice as Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry. That being said when you meet Andy Griffith, you’ll still be disappointed.
11. A Group of Some of the Most Important Black Figures From History, including WEB DuBois, Jan Matzeliger, A. Philip Randolph, Alain Locke, and Rosa Parks
Of course, Rosa Parks is the only one you’ve heard of. However, you probably shouldn’t refer to her as “That bus lady,” at least not to her face.
10. Grateful Dead Frontman and Noted Hippie Jerry Garcia
And word to wise; he’s remembered more for his musicianship than for his personal hygiene if you get my drift; and if you don’t get my drift, you will get his pretty quickly.
09. James Doohan
The guy who played “Scotty” on Star Trek. Although he does go to Hell twice a year, but only because that’s where all the sci-fi conventions are.
08. Ernesto “Ché” Guevera
You’ll know him; he’s the guy wearing a t-shirt with a picture of an NYU Freshman on the front.
07. The Guy Who Invented the “Pu Pu Platter”
Be warned, he doesn’t get why everyone seems to find it so funny.
06. You Remember That Guy from Your Office, the “Funny” One Who Always Busted Out Those “Hilarious” Catch Phrases Like “Yeah Baby!” and “Niiice!”
Not him, he’s in Hell. But you will probably get to meet that guy’s wife, because the woman had to have either been born deaf or a saint.
05. Sammy Davis, Junior, and Dean Martin
Who, every Sunday like clockwork, get a long-distance call from Frank Sinatra.
Surprised? Quite a few people who knew you would be as well. You’ll spend the first few hundred years up there keeping a low profile, just in case it turns out there was some kind of mistake and you weren’t supposed to get in. In time, you’ll be able to relax, make some friends. Eventually, you will find yourself in a post-existential crisis as you find yourself hanging out all day, drinking beer and playing video games, and you’ll realize that you are wasting your afterlife in exactly the same way you wasted your actual life.
03. Graaargh, The Guy Who Invented the Wheel
He’s really bitter; he apparently met a patent attorney who told him how much money he’s theoretically owed in back-royalties. However, he’s easier to talk to than Raaaaarrrgh, the guy who went down in history as the guy who discovered fire, and then immediately went down in history as the first guy to die in a fire-related accident, and then went down in history as the only guy to ever serve as the entrée in a Sabertooth Tiger’s Barbecue. Ironically, Raaaaaarrrrgh is not only his name, but also the noise he made when he made all his discoveries.
02. Bill Gates
Oh, he isn’t dead. He’s just rich enough that he can afford a summer home there.
01. Jimmy Stewart
But you knew that, didn’t you?